Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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