cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
