After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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