I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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