I just pynch a tree in the face
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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