My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
