I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
