sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
