dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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