Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
