She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
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