I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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