Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
