two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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