just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
