Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
we should paint friendship bongs
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