Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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