Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
