A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
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I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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