I wish my penis had an off switch
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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