So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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