There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
