do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
