im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
