Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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