it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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