i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
