why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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