i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
