So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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