I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
