I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
