Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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