He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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