So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
