Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
