i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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