I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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