btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
