i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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