"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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