i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
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The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
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Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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