Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
