I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
