your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
