If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
