yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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