awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
