It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
