Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
