The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
