just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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