Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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