Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
