I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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