i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
