You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
